How to Deal with Toxic People: Wise, Foolish or Harmful?
If you’ve ever had to deal with a toxic person, do yourself a favour and read Necessary Endings by Dr Henry Cloud.
It changed the way I look at relationships. Simple. Clear. Freeing.
The title says it all. Some relationships need to end, or at least change. And that’s not unkind. It’s wise.
Why we stay stuck
Most of us hang on for two reasons:
- We don’t want to look like a quitter.
- We’re afraid of what life looks like without them.
And people who treat us badly often know that. They’ll say things like “You’re the only one who hasn’t given up on me” or “You won’t cope without me.”
Sound familiar? You’re not alone.
Three kinds of people
The chapter that’s worth the price of the book is where Dr Cloud describes three kinds of people: wise, foolish and evil. I’d call that last group “harmful”. I wish someone had explained this to me years ago.
His ideas come from Proverbs, a book in the Bible packed with short, practical sayings about everyday life.
Wise people
Wise people listen. When you raise something, they take it on board and grow.
“The way of fools seems right to them, but the wise listen to advice.” (Proverbs 12:15, NIV)
Keep these people close. They’re a gift.
Foolish people
Foolish people aren’t necessarily bad. But they blame everyone else, and they keep repeating the same patterns. Proverbs puts it bluntly:
“As a dog returns to its vomit, so fools repeat their folly.” (Proverbs 26:11, NIV)
Lovely image. But you get the point.
With foolish people, stop wasting your breath trying to convince them. Set clear boundaries instead. A boundary is just a line you draw about what you will and won’t accept, and what you’ll do if it’s crossed.
Harmful people
Some people aren’t just difficult. They’re dangerous. They plan to hurt, control or use you.
“Do not envy the wicked, do not desire their company; for their hearts plot violence, and their lips talk about making trouble.” (Proverbs 24:1-2, NIV)
Here the advice is simple. Get distance. Get safe. Don’t stay where you’re being hurt.
Isn’t that a bit unchristian?
People sometimes think being a Christian means being a doormat. It doesn’t. The Bible says:
“If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” (Romans 12:18, NIV)
“If it is possible.” “As far as it depends on you.” Sometimes it isn’t possible. You can forgive someone and still not let them back into your life.
A book that gives you words for it
Necessary Endings helped me stop feeling guilty for wanting peace. If you’re carrying the weight of a hard relationship, it will give you clarity, confidence and freedom.
Your next steps
- A question to sit with: Who in my life is wise, who is foolish, and is anyone harmful? What’s one boundary I need to set this week?
- Read next: 2 Questions to Ask When Someone Criticises You
- Talk to someone: If you’re in danger in a relationship, please contact Women’s Aid or Men’s Aid, or call 999 or 112 in an emergency.
- Come and say hello: If you’re in Galway, L15 Church meets Sundays at 11am in the Maldron Hotel. Come as you are.
Oz
You might also like
New here? Start here.
